Hard Conversations: Messy to Meaningful Starting with Me

Introduction

Communication can be difficult even when it doesn’t have to be. And when we find ourselves in situations where messages are going to be hard to hear, relationships are troubled or perspectives are unalike, it’s even more difficult. After years of top leadership in human resources, watching great school administrators communicate effectively and weak ones lose respect, status and influence, I realized there are huge benefits to being able to navigate messy conversations. I began to take notes and create lists outlining what I found to be effective. I wrote down what I observed and tested each consideration carefully by watching others, and repeating certain actions myself.

 The results were clear. Difficult conversations didn’t have to be that hard. And while nothing is 100%, I found there were strategies that increased the chance for a positive conversation and a better relationship to follow. Then, when I added to those strategies, a strong sense of self-awareness through constant reflection, self-assessments and self-study, and having critical friends to provide feedback, my ability to not only communicate effectively improved, but I was also able to sit still longer, endure difficult situations with more ease, and I felt calmer and more confident all situations. I slept better at night, and during the day, whatever life dealt, I was happier and better able to handle myself with more successful outcomes.

 Messy to Meaningful

Whether it is work related or personally speaking, the first and most significant lesson I have learned over my six decades of life, is to be quiet and listen without judgement and without constantly contemplating how the issue relates to me. I suppose we were all taught at some point, the value of active listening, but I didn’t really understand its many components until I started focusing on effective communication. While in my educational leadership position, I wanted to understand the other person in a difficult conversation, I also wanted to talk, a lot. It was hard to resist the urge to get my perspective out there, my opinion stated, my point of view in the other person’s head. What I didn’t realize, is that while I was concentrating so much on me, my thoughts and my defense, I had no idea what was important to the other person. I didn’t know what they felt was the most important part of their message. I didn’t recognize their feelings or reasons about sharing the message. Sometimes I hadn’t even taken the time to truly find out what it was they wanted. I just kept focusing on how I would respond. I talked and tried to persuade them to understand my perspective. What I learned through watching my own role models, was to start with listening, listening to understand, listening to remember, listening for intent and emotion. Strive to know the gist of the entire message fully and understand it and where it came from.

 Before you ever share your thoughts or perspectives, it’s a good thing to simply listen to the other person. Let them fill up the airspace. Let them talk. Embrace the silence that surrounds you both when they are gathering the courage to tell you something hard. Be still. Be silent. When you do talk, ask good questions, and then close your mouth and listen carefully, and fully embrace their answer. When I let go of the notion that I had to weigh in every time something was said, I enjoyed the freedom of simply being able to hear the message from their point of view. I relished in the experience of someone else doing the talking and sharing themselves with me. And even in anticipation of a difficult conversation, I looked forward to learning more about what that person would offer in the midst of the dilemma. I had something to look forward to instead of something to dread. When attempting to solve a problem, to negotiate a positive outcome for all, or to move forward as a team, we must first grasp where the other side is coming from. It is amazing the benefits that come from simply listening with all your senses! Once I fully appreciated that time and embraced the honor of someone sharing their thoughts and ideas with me, I felt more welcomed by them to thoughtfully share my perspective and input when it was time.

 Starting with Me

There are many communication strategies that when implemented and practiced regularly, will help conversations be more positive and productive. While I continued to learn them, and enjoyed the success of the conversations and relationships, at some point, I realized there was one more thing on which I needed to focus. Strategies alone only went so far. There was something else that these great leaders did. There was more to it than just “how to.” And as I observed and asked questions and listened, I learned what that was. It was a simple concept yet could be complex in the making. And it took intention and time. What they did was increase their sense of most people’s favorite topic, themselves. Developing and maintaining a strong sense of me. I learned that great leaders who communicated well and made it through the most difficult situations and conversations with confidence and calm, had a very strong sense of self-awareness. They understood who they were and why they were. They practiced self-awareness exercises. They reflected carefully, daily and with intention. They were keenly aware of their strengths and how to leverage those in life. They were able to articulate their understanding of themselves as well as how others viewed them. They knew their own wellness including physical, emotional, social and spiritual and worked regularly to maintain self-care.

 Successful leaders I observed also had a true understanding of what was within their control and what wasn’t. They didn’t spend time on things they couldn’t change, and their concern and think time was focused on what they could. They also embraced the many abilities they held, constantly thinking about tough situations and how they could contribute to the solution, rather than pointing the finger to others. Believing they had all control over themselves and not worrying about others, or things they couldn’t control, gave them strength and confidence to continue to seek solutions and make things better within their context, within their lives. I learned that these leaders spent time developing mission and vision statements for themselves and their work, which helped them stay dedicated and focused. They spent time dealing with their past, their mentors, friends, teachers and family members who grew them, and they continuously thought about the positive characteristics of those people they wished to emulate. These great leaders never stopped in their endless journey of knowing and caring for themselves.

 Impact

The effects of using productive strategies in difficult conversations are numerous. Being able to embrace the sound of another person’s voice, finding real interest in their message, and as they are talking, searching for value and emotion goes a long way. As a family member, a leader and a listener, it is liberating and brings a sense of connection and joy. At the same time, practicing the knack of delivering tough messages with care and clarity has kept me from worrying in anticipation of a difficult meeting. And these effects have benefited me greatly in work and in life. And while they give me confidence and strength, there is something else I learned I must do to stay grounded and feel success. By finding my own purpose and meaning, understanding the strengths I have to leverage, knowing how people view me, realizing how I have come to be in the way that I am, knowing the status of my own wellness and self-care and truly embracing those many hundreds of things in life that I control and releasing the things I cannot, I have found my peace. So, as you think about moving from messy to meaningful when it comes to hard conversations, remember to listen, take time to be clear and compassionate and also take time for yourself.